Snapshots

Change

Thu, 23 May 2013 14:07:59 -0400

After our casual “goodnight” we both rolled over and turned off the lights.

As I desperately tried to calm my racing brain and shut my weary eyes,

I couldn’t help but look out the half open window at the cloudy night sky and realize how temporary this all is.

Summer. Glorious, magnificent summer- a time of freedom and empty schedules

For me, it has always, always, meant bonfires, days on the lake, and random trips to who-knows-where with the people I have called my friends for the past five years.

Yes, summer has always been exciting, but it has always been repetitive- in a therapeutic kind of way.

Its been something I have always been able to look forward to, to count on. A time to recharge and prepare for the strains of the oncoming year.

But this summer is different.

Its our last summer together before everything changes.

And its beginning to hit me- when six of us sat on a tube on the lake the other day and discussed our future colleges, and the impacts we planned on making there

last night, as a laid beside my bestfriend in a house I’ve spent more time in than my own

Today, as me and a group of friends plan our senior trip to the Ozarks.

This is it. Never again will it be like this. Never again will summer be repetitive, never again will be this simple, this predictable.

I have no idea what next year will bring.

All I know is that I will be four and a half hours away, living in a different state, hanging out with people who’s names I don’t know yet.

And we will all come back in summer to spend time with our families, to work and earn money for the following year. Maybe we will all go out to lunch and discuss our lives, who we’ve met, who we’ve become.

But last night, as I laid awake staring at the sky,

It finally hit me.

This is it.

Our lives are about to change dramatically.

And though a part of me yearns for it to begin, to drive off to Union and not glance back, to start the rest of my life-

a bigger part of me longs to pause time too. Just for this last summer.

To drag out every day, every glorious moment spent with these people whom I’ve learned to love like family.

Here’s to our last summer.

Today

Tue, 21 May 2013 00:26:39 -0400

-pretty much defined how summers going to go I think.

Sleeping in and waking up at my bestfriends house,
(Which I call my own)
Going out to lunch with the friends I call family,
(Eph meg em)
Then rushing to the lake to swim and lay out with friends I’ve had through high school, talking about college and how great of a community we’ve had together.

And then losing track of time and rushing to our boys sectionals game,
Laughing when, after typing the address of the game into my GPS, I realize I’m going to be spending an hour and a half in the car with my ex boyfriend
- but, for the record, it ended up pretty cool. He showed me his favorite music and I showed him mine, and we both had a good time.

And then finally coming back to my summer house, Rue’s, and watching iron man two and ordering pizza.

Old friends, new experiences, once last sweet taste of the kind of summer I like best- long lake days and late relaxing nights.

These are the days I think ill look back and remember.

Morality

Thu, 16 May 2013 21:06:13 -0400

Just a few thoughts as I wait to get a manicure-

What determines a mans morality ?
Like, my goodness, I thought it was God- absolutely, because the closer I am to Him the more right I want to do.

And then another explanation appeared beside it- our love for others. Because we love so-and-so or whomever, we choose to put our selves aside, and in choosing to be selfless, we, by fault, choose morality.

Yes, that comes naturally when you love someone.
And the funny thing is, when you fall in love with God, not only do you do things to please Him, but your morality molds to the better of others too.

Anyway, there’s this third type of moral people who thoroughly confuse me.
It’s the people who are born with this natural inclination forward good,
A gift of prudence.
Those people who don’t have God, and don’t necessarily love others,
Yet still desire to do the right thing,
And disregards their own desires in pursuit of it.
Those people like nick caraway from gatsby, or how Katie hate was freshmen year
What is their motivation?
Do they even realize the force that controls their lives so heavily?

I’m just curious.

Summer's Begun!

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:57:26 -0400

And all the the late nights spent at our favorite concerts, 
Standing much too close to a sea of strangers 
And screaming lyrics to the songs that describe our lives

And the 1am trips to steak and shake 
Where everything is 10 times funnier
, Because we are slap happy and full of sugar
 (and Michaellas filter disappeared much too long ago)

All the days spent by the lake Pushing eachother in when it’s much too cold  And laughing, enjoying the company of the friends we’ve grown up with

All the nights spent going on random trips
 And showing up at old friends houses, 
Staying up talking until 2am

And the random get together’s, Where anyone’s invited and everyone comes
 And we spend the hours in my backyard,
playing basketball on my rusty hoop And making campfires and sonic trips until we get too cold to stay outside any longer

And, of course,
The random chalking sprees
Where 97 cents goes along way
And makes for a night full of laughter and fun

-yes, it’s only been a few days 
And already there are so many memories. 
Senior year everyone became friends 
And so this summer,
the moments will be spontaneous and unpredictable; 
But promising.

We are 18.
 Freedom is more prevalent than ever before; 
Curfews are gone, less questions are asked, And responsibility (for a short time) is still at a minimum

- I can’t wait for the weeks to come.

Last day of school

Sat, 11 May 2013 19:29:37 -0400

- started out the same as last years.
Our class crowded the CHS parking lot an hour before school began
And shared breakfast while we talked and played old country music from our cars.

First hour was rough. Mrs Neff started crying while reading our last psalm.
The rest of the hour was spent signing eachothers yearbooks and talking about how unreal it all seemed.
Second and third hour were much of the same.

Fifth hour was choir.
We sang that song, Time to say Goodbye,
And as I listened to those kids who had become family sing those words and mean every line, I couldn’t help but tear up.

The next hour I went to my piano.
That rusty old one hidden in the stairwell, that somehow has stayed in tune through the years.
I glossed over the keys mindlessly and reflected there over the past four years, and the hours I have spent playing that piano.
The keys weren’t worn from years of emotion spent through my fingers.
My fingerprints didn’t sink into the solid white keys,
The bench wasn’t molded to my body,
The pedal was as shiny and stable as ever;
In fact, unless someone would walk in on my in those final hours, there would be no evidence I had ever been there at all.

I kept on being drawn back to that piano as the next few hours passed by. I didn’t even show up to my classes. Teachers didn’t really expect us too.

At one point, I went into the gym to see what all the commotion was about.
Smiling, I recognized two of my bestfriends practicing for worship with Caleb and the band.
I sat down on the bleachers as they began to run through their first set.
As their voices began to swirl up into beautiful harmonies, I began to softly sing along
And then, suddenly, as I stared at them up there, it hit me.
This was it.
And the tears didn’t stop coming for awhile.

Senior chapel was more than expected.
I don’t think kids at our school have ever worshiped so passionately at a chapel before,
They were all but shouting the words.
I could barley hear the leaders, but it didn’t matter.
We praised our Lord together one last time, completely unified.
Extremely thankful.
Then came the lessons, slideshow, video, skit, and cardboard testimonies.
By the end of it, we were all in tears.
The bell rang and we hugged eachother there in the gym for a long time, unwilling to leave quit yet, fully aware that these were a last moments together at school.
It was surreal, but it hit way to hard.

And then, on a whim, me Michaella and Trevor decided to go out for coffee.
“Just like old times” one of them said as we walked out the door.
We sat around Starbucks for quit a while, talking about God and other matters,
And for a bit it was like we were freshmen again, spending every Friday night together.
Two of the closest people to me.
Not everything has to change I guess.

And slowly but surely it’s starting to settle in that its summer.
It’s SUMMER.
That means free time, lake days, late nights, and trips.
It means we are done with high school, done with homework and the ACT and AP tests.

It’s a curious thing, time.
When we long for it to pass it all but stops.
And when we try to grasp onto it, it slips through our fingers before we can even glance at what it is we are holding.

High school was amazing.
CHS was incredible.
But I can’t help but smile as feelings of closure settle in and the door to the rest of my life opens up.

I don’t want to forget a single moment.
But as precious as those memories are to me, I can’t help but hold onto them while preparing room for the great ones still to come.

Five more days

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:17:57 -0400

Alright so it’s finally beginning to hit me.
We have five days left of school.
Five. Days.
One more Monday to get up early and try to keep my eyes open during class
One more Tuesday to play piano in the stairwell during fourth hour
One more Wednesday to eat outside with friends
One more Thursday to ask Mr Griffith if I can go to foods and bake cakes for an hour
One more Friday to have chapel, to worship God with my school.

Five more long, draining days.
And I’m ready.

I’m ready to never had to sit through another hour of that chemistry class
I’m ready to never have to make that long trip to choir to get a pass then get to my seat before the bell rings.
I’m ready to not have to wear jeans to school everyday
I’m ready to not have to get up at 630 am
I’m ready to not have to try and ignore underclassmen drama
I’m ready to not have to see his face all the time.

But as much as I’m itching to leave, as excited as I am for college and the summer, realizing that we only have five more days left of High School also whispers insecurity and twists my stomach in knots.

Because I’m not ready.

I’m not ready to not have first hour Bible, starting the day off with prayer request and hot coffee
I’m not ready to say goodbye to my basketball team, who, even when we are out of season, are my family and dearest friends
I’m not ready to leave that rusty old piano in that stairwell, and the keys that I have worn down over the years by emotions spent through my fingers
I’m not ready to never sing in a choir again, blending my voice with others and listening to the swirling harmonies my friends create
I’m not ready to not go to chapel on Thursdays, and join in worship next to hundreds of kids who can relate to me, while praising the same God
I’m not ready to say goodbye to these hallways that I’ve grown up in, these teachers who have pushed me to be better, these friends who have held my hand and laughed with me through the years.
My church, my home, my family-

Five more days suddenly doesn’t seem like much at all.

Photo

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 12:07:34 -0400

Alright so maybe I’m being silly But I’m actually quit nervous about tomorrow, this...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 21:54:24 -0400

Alright so maybe I’m being silly
But I’m actually quit nervous about tomorrow, this weekend
I’m going on an all girls retreat, and I’m leading a small group and giving part of my testimony one night.
Unfortunately, it’s the hard part of my testimony.. The one that sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable
And I’m nervous that as I share with those girls how my mom left, and what it was like right before she did,
That they are going to look at eachother
And give sympathy glances that scream
“Oh. That’s why she’s the way she is.”
And then assume that I’m insecure, or helpless, or broken still
Or maybe even come to the conclusion that that’s why I ran to Catholicism, for some sense of security and structure.

These fears seem silly, but it’s happened before.
But I guess there’s always risk when sharing something personal with people you don’t know so well.

So I guess I will pray for wisdom. For words. Most of all, for the Spirit. To speak through us, to use us, to move us in incredible ways as we grow closer together and closer to Him.

Pray for us, friends

to be honest, today has been wearisome. You could ask me why, but I probably couldn’t point...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:32:39 -0400

to be honest, today has been wearisome.

You could ask me why, but I probably couldn’t point out many specifics

I would probably just look at you and sigh, and quietly go over a little list of petty things that I have let get to me- assignments due soon, trips to figure out, work to schedule, money to turn in, and lack of sleep.

Plus, with 12 days of left of school, frankly YES- senioritis has skyrocketed
and my tolerance level for immaturity has hit an all time low.

I constantly have to keep myself in check.
And today I slipped.
Many times.

But as I drove out of the parking lot this afternoon, turning up the radio and letting out a breath that it had felt like I had been holding in all day,
I began to hear the Spirit whisper to my heart words of peace.

“This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it.”
“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest..”

Ah. Thats the key. Finding rest in Him, his presence, his promises.

So often we go to God looking for answers,
opening the Bible like a recipe book, looking for the right ingredients to make our lives good again
to kill down the stress
to mend relationships.
We expect it to give us words like magic spells- to teach us how to say just the right things to heal hearts, cover wounds.

But what I’ve realized again and again,
is that when we go to Jesus looking for the answers,
He looks back at us and gives us Himself.

He is the answer. To everything.
Because half the time- we are asking the wrong questions.
Relationships, stress, anxiety fear, brokenness
all don’t matter in the long run- all reveal a bigger part of us that is simply longing desperately for acceptance and value. For someone, something to tell us that we are worthwhile.

And that’s exactly what Jesus does.

He is the answer.

On days like this, I cant help but smile and walk around somewhere outside apprehensive of the fact...

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 18:18:32 -0400

On days like this, I cant help but smile and walk around somewhere outside
apprehensive of the fact that this season is so short, so delicate.
Dandelions have appeared everywhere, looking like little drops of sunshine that were showered upon the refreshed grass as the sun drew closer to our part of the Earth.
The sky looks bluer, clearer, and higher up,
urging us to look deeper, harder, and longer for the things we seek throughout the day.
And there is no better smell than that of the first mowed lawn of the year, or of barbecue as the sun sets beneath the dim horizon.
Yes, spring is a sweet, brief time.
A period of refreshment, renewal, and rich beauty.

Today as I stepped out of confession I let out a sigh of relief, of relaxation.
A smile played on the corners of my lips as I made my way out of the church, my face must’ve shown somewhat like the sun on clear days like this; brilliant, unreserved.
And as I dipped my fingers lightly into the holy water, and remembered my baptism, imagining how the flowers must feel when the first spring showers fall upon them, cleansing them of the filth of the winter, renewing them unto new life.
And surely, if I could look at my soul through the Lords eyes, it must look somewhat like the freshly mowed grass in my backyard- clean, fixed, restored completely.

Its beautiful how the Lord made it so that Earth goes through different seasons.
And spring is one of the most anticipated periods of time all year- well, maybe depending on how harsh the winter was.

The winter was harsh this year.
Sometimes I find myself in the morning still trying to shake off its clinging chill, its harsh numbness.
But seasons of life come and go quickly, and if it weren’t for the less than pleasant ones, I could not truly appreciate the warm sunny ones.

One things for sure.
This year, I sure do love spring.

I don’t know why everything seems so silly and shallow and melodramatic today. But seriously....

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 17:48:56 -0400

I don’t know why everything seems so silly and shallow and melodramatic today.

But seriously. Everyone/Everything/Even Myself is getting on my nerves right now.

BLEHHHHHH

A Victim of Convenience: I did the best favor I could think of for the man that told me the...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:37:23 -0400

A Victim of Convenience: I did the best favor I could think of for the man that told me the...:

victim-of-convenience:

I did the best favor I could think of
for the man that told me the backs of my eyelids
must shame the walls of the world’s great galleries
-I didn’t fall in love with him
not by that knee-jerk definition
that sets off alarms on biological clocks
sends every shadow-spooked soul
afraid to sit alone…

It’s nights like this where I can look back and remember with perfect clarity the way you and...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 23:38:00 -0400

It’s nights like this where I can look back and remember with perfect clarity the way you and I were bestfriends.
You would dress me up in girl clothes, which I dreaded,
And I would make you crawl around in the dirt with me and collect roley Poleys from our backyard.
We played make believe under our willow tree,
And oh how we cried when dad cut those branches so that they didn’t drape the ground anymore!
We did everything together, back then.

I don’t know how it happened,
In the process of growing up.
But somewhere along the way we lost eachother,
And when our parents divided our family, we took different roads.
I coped with religion.
You coped by running to anything but.

And now we are here, in these fragile stages of life,
Connected only through listening to the same playlist on spotify as I float around my room putting away laundry,
And you sit in your apartment room watching your favorite show.

I don’t know you anymore.
I don’t know your favorite foods, where you go when your lonely, what movies you watch when you want to relax.
But I remember the way you use to smile when I said I liked the song you showed me
I remember the setting you liked the toaster to be on so that the bread would come out a perfect golden brown
I remember how you like to be tucked in at night,
How you like your hair done in the morning.

Maybe one day I will know you again.
Maybe we will catch up, and realize that we arnt so different after all.
Maybe we will be bestfriends again, once time has healed wounds and sobered our perspectives.

I don’t regret these years,
I know we will both learn from these paths we’ve chosen.

I just wish, sometimes, that I would’ve held onto your hand a little longer,
Squeezed it a tiny bit tighter
So that maybe when everything came between us the gap wouldn’t prove as wide as it is now.

It’s a thoughtful sadness, this reality.
But I know it will be better one day.

I wonder if you think the same.

Pensive Thoughts For The Night

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 23:05:10 -0400

I was starting to relax and get pretty into my book when the wind started howling outside. 
I looked out, it was only 6:45, not time yet.
The sun wasn’t setting.
I still had 15 more minuets.  
And yet, as my mind started screening the page again,I started feeling that gentle nudging, urging me that it was time to go.

I ignored it for while, but then the wind got unbearably loud and I couldn’t hear myself think. 
So I reluctantly got up, put the book down, and got ready to go.

When I got there I could see why God felt that it was impertinent that I left early. 
There was a thick line of clouds over the tree line where the sun would normally set.
So, it would actually set earlier today.
 I had just enough time to get through my daily readings before it began getting dark.

There’s always the climax of the sunset, when everything seems hushed and still, and the clouds turn a brilliant shade of pink before the sun sinks completely beneath them. It’s breathe taking, everytime, and it happens within seconds, so if your not looking closely- you’ll miss it.

A strange crowd had come out to see the sunset tonight. 
A man and his two year old son, playing on the rocks a few yards away. 
A middle aged man on the dock , fishing 
A college aged boy, standing alone on the shore, staring out at the sun, looking perplexed.
 And me.

As the sun set we all got quiet, lost in our thoughts, in our completely different worlds, drawn together for a moment by this spectacular sight.
Enough clouds were covering the sun that I could stare directly at it and not have to blink or turn away. It’s brilliance was dimmed enough as to allow us to look at it in a way we are not able too during the day. It was remarkable. 
And I was reminded of how, if it wasn’t for Jesus skin, his hair, his human hands, his glory too would be far too brilliant for me to understand or behold. 
And yet even what we can see and understand of him is only a mere glimpse of what he truly is! 
Oh what the Son must look like from heavens view.

In that moment of silence I also asked God why there were times he seemed so far away.
Why I couldn’t always feel Him close to me. 
As soon as the thought left my mind I heard roaring wind behind me, rustling the trees, sounding like it could knock over a building- But I felt nothing
. It was still around me. 
And I heard Him whisper  “You don’t always have to feel me to know I’m there.”

How true that is! Our God reveals himself in so many more ways then raw emotion. We can hear Him in others words, see Him in the eyes of children, watch him move through a crowd indwelt in worship. 
Even when we can’t feel Him, we must know he is there. His Word promises. His Creation testifies.

Sometimes I wonder if life will always be like this, like the constant rising and setting of the sun, setting on some scenes and rising on new ones. 
It can be uneasy, change. 
But it can also be refreshing, like trees sprouting leaves after winter.
 I wonder if they know what they are missing until the sun comes back and gives it to them?

I’m still growing. Something I realized today as well.
There was a point this year where I felt so content with myself that I thought I was finally the woman God wanted me to be.
I had reached his expectations, filled my duty. 
I was horribly wrong. 
He has changed me, yes, I am not who I was before, 
But he is not done with me yet. There are many places that he is still molding , rough edges he is still refining. 
Broken parts he is still healing. 
And I’m increasingly grateful for Him making me aware of that through his word and my gentle friends.

God is moving In magnificent ways,
I pray for eyes to see!

Wake up Call

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 16:59:52 -0400

Alright seriously though,
Chapel today was awesome.
It is so refreshing to remember that most of our stress is not a matter of procrastinating and work thrown on us,
its a heart problem,
its the fact that we unconsciously seek out our worth and acceptance in those things that cause us stress.
What a beautiful realization,
because that changes the answer to the problem completely.

We need to learn how to rest in Gods presence.
Truly, honestly, we can tell ourselves that we are sons and daughters of the King, most beloved of the Great Creator, but those will always just be weightless words until we learn first to
Be still and know he is God.

I find it hard often to do this. Its easier to keep myself busy day and night, to rush around and busy my hands simply because it seems natural and right to do so, and maybe say a short prayer while driving, or in between passing periods.
But truly being still, recognizing his presence, and finding rest in it is a practice too often neglected! Yet its importance cannot be stressed enough.

Sometimes, for me, that means grabbing some hot tea and my Bible, and going to my spot on the lake, where I can sit on an old bench and watch the sunset.
Its out there, all alone, in the middle of creation, that I have learned how to be still
I have learned to reflect over how God is moving in my life, and thank Him for how he has moved in the past.
I have learned how to listen, to recognize the sound of His voice, and how to let it fill every hole within me.

Yes, learning how to rest in His presence is key.
its vital to learning how to diminish our stress.

Its time to get back on track.

Ok for real though , something I’ve been wondering since 5th grade, Why did Yankee Doodle yank...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 20:26:43 -0400

Ok for real though , something I’ve been wondering since 5th grade,
Why did Yankee Doodle yank a feather from his hat and call it macaroni?
Is there an answer to this?

So it was a long night and a busy morning. A heavy dinner, tiring dance, interesting after-party,...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 16:51:52 -0400

So it was a long night and a busy morning.

A heavy dinner, tiring dance, interesting after-party, ihop breakfast, and 5 cups of coffee later- I got ready to help lead worship for two services, go to mass, then head to work.

The middle school service went well for the most part.
We had some trouble setting up,
my keyboard was clangy sounding,
The pedal did opposite of what it was suppose to do and when I held it down it would STOP the suspending of a chord,
I only had looked at the music once before,
and I was pretty much falling asleep on the keys,
but other than that- it went well.
During the high school session I came in louder than Natalie and her guitar, much louder, and she had to work hard at keeping herself from laughing as I desperately tried to turn myself down.
It was embarrassing,
but after that,
Im pretty sure God took control of my fingers, because I had no idea what I was doing, but somehow it meshed well with everything.
He always comes through in that way.

If you asked me about what the services were about I honestly couldn’t tell you.
My mind was a thousand places those two hours, and as much as I tried I couldn’t concentrate.
I probably shouldn’t try to compensate three hours of sleep with 5 cups of coffee.

Mass was a whole different story.
I walked in and immanently was refreshed by the atmosphere
Open, people talking and laughing, it was bright- the sun making lights dance on the floor through the stain glass windows
music was playing in the main chapel, a band playing songs from Joy FM.
Everyone seemed cheery.
It was the Sunday after Easter, a season which lasts 50 days in our church,
so the church was still decorated and the mood still festive.

We took our seats and sang worship songs, songs I knew,
and went through the mass as normal.
The readings were relevant and the homily hit home as we talked about Jesus’ wounds, how Thomas needed to touch them, but once he did he proclaimed “My Lord and My God!”
and how, in a way, though we are a resurrected people, we still have wounded parts as well, and we must remember that about eachother.
Simply put, but thoughtful claim.

During communion the band sang “Better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts, than thousands elsewhere..”
and I sang happily along.
I began looking around the parish then, a place I have been coming for three years, and for the first time- fully felt a part of it all.

I’ve never cried from happiness. Ever.
But as I thought about it and took it all in, tears welled in my eyes and a couple spilled over.

I am so, so very blessed. So very lucky to be able to take a part in this great celebration, great response to Gods love.

And when I think about it, I truly promise you- I could not be happier.

Can words describe what happened tonight ???

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 00:52:44 -0400

Can words describe what happened tonight ???

I ordered my usual and sat down at the table for two as I nervously checked my phone for the...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 16:35:49 -0400

I ordered my usual and sat down at the table for two as I nervously checked my phone for the time.
3:00.
I said a silent prayer and thanked Jesus for his sacrifice on this Good Friday and then he walked in.
We exchanged warm smiles and gentle greetings and decided to go next door, where it wasn’t so crowded.
He tapped his fingers nervously on the table and looked down when I asked him what he had decided.
I was prepared.
He told me he couldn’t see it working, and asked me what I thought.
I explained that it would be hard, but if two people really loved each other and God that it could work.
After some discussion and awkward silences, he agreed.

He couldn’t look me in the eye when he told me he didn’t love me.
That he didn’t know what love was.
I’m glad he didn’t, I’ve never been good at keeping emotion out of my eyes.
But I had a strange sense of strength then, as I smiled and reassured him that it was okay and wasn’t his fault.
He looked up at me with glossy eyes and asked me what I thought love was.
I looked off for a second, as if in a daze, and spoke in a hushed but dreamy tone as I answered
“You’ll know when you feel it. You’ll just know.”

He had to have apologized a hundred times. Each time I laughed and said it was okay. By the end of our conversation we were laughing and reminiscing and talking about our weeks and friends like we were just two close friends going out to lunch.

When we left I smiled and said goodbye, walking away as he winced and sighed, acting like he didn’t know what to do.

I drove mindlessly, with no destination in mind, and ended up at the church.
Where I have always ended up when I don’t know where to go or what to do.

I walked in and took the pew closest to the crucifix, and kneeling there, I poured out my heart in prayer and thanksgiving. Then I opened the Word and let my spirit be comforted by God gentle voice and hands.

And as I sat there, staring in awe of that crucifix, I realized I understood more about Gods love and sacrifice then I had any previous year before.

As The Father gave up the one he loved most in the world that Friday at 3:00 for me, he asked me to do similar for Him.
Many things have been compromised for my faith, my parents pride, my family’s unity, my friends respect, my reputation.
And the day before I finally joined the church, my Lord gently asked for one more.

In light of His glory and joy, how can I refuse? With His spirit stirring so warmly inside of me, how can I even dwell in my sorrow?

For now I understand and appreciate His love more than ever before! I never understood what It was like to love someone so purely that being loved In return is not significant.
I never understood how Jesus could love us, die for us, and then watch us refuse Him still- and love us the same, without bitterness and anger.
Love without being loved In return.
It is the most freeing, unconditional, glorious kind of love there is.

So powerful that even as my heart aches, I find myself relieved over the fact that he is okay, thankful for Gods strength enabling me to keep to together while I was infront of him so that he doesn’t feel too guilty.

Our God is good. I want to shout it from the rooftop.
I will never understand the depth of His love, the height of his grace, the significance of his sacrifice
But this Easter, he gave me just a little taste of what it is like,
Just a glimpse of what he feels for me.

And I can’t get off my knees in worship.

It’s amazing that, Though my heart is breaking, My spirit is still overflowing with...

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 21:33:26 -0400

It’s amazing that,
Though my heart is breaking,
My spirit is still overflowing with thankfulness, joy, and peace

Our God is good,
I do not know what I would do without His love

Glory be to Him forever and ever